Grown Up Christian Shoes

Hey there Rafikis!

I suppose it's time for some semblance of an update. I hope you guys know that these posts are my own way of gathering my thoughts sometimes. I guess today is one of those days.

So much has taken place in the last month or so. I had one of the toughest semesters in the history of my college career (...but nothing can beat my go-to-three-universities-at-the-same-time-so-I-can-graduate last quarter at La Sierra U...), and I learned quite a bit about myself and what my limits are.

There are lots of things I'm realizing about this 24-year-old-self.

I'm getting old. While the two gray hairs that insist of growing back in gray haven't multiplied, despite all the warnings about pulling them out, I finally gave in to the fact that I cannot do all-nighters anymore. Those days are over. I get to about 11:00 p.m. and I yawn. By 1:00 a.m. I'm comatose. And those are the critical days. On a regular day, unless something's off, I yawn at about 9:00. I know...how geriatric of me. But tonight, I couldn't sleep..so I write.


Another, more poignant, thing I am learning about my 24 year old self is that for a long time I did not know how to walk in my "adult Christian" shoes. And to say that I've got the hang of it now would be the overstatement of the century. I'm still trying to get the picture, to see what an adult Christian Fidi looks like. And at times it's just easier and more comfortable to go back to what I was before; An unchallenged, comfortable, teenage/undergrad Christian(ish). But God wouldn't let me and he's taught me a couple things during my stay here at the famed Seventh-Day Adventist Theological Seminary at Andrews University.

First, I have to come to the point where I simply "REALIZE". I never used to do that whole "look deep inside you" thing. I thought that was for people who walked around with Yoga mats just in case they had a spare moment to do a Sun Salutation during rush hour traffic or in the cafeteria line. I used to think that the "odd" people needed to look inside themselves. But when I started living the "examined life", I found lots of things that I was initially scared I would find. Lots of flaws. Lots of dark corners packed with things that had been consciously and subconsciously pushed back there. Uncovering those things had potential for pain...and I'm not masochistic in any sense of the word. Furthermore, I realized that my world view had changed, but I had never reconciled it with the Lord. But REALIZING was not enough...

I had to REALIGN myself under God's "new" will for my "new" adult self. While the old picture of Christianity and God and Faith was still valid, it was immature (1 Corinthians 13:11 - When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things). And realigning myself was something I definitely had to do after the shock of looking deep inside myself. As I grow and change and move physically and mentally, it's really important that I constantly check myself with the Spirit and check myself with the Word, and ultimately check myself to see if I'm still aligned with the Lord, or if I have begun to carve my own path.

The hardest part about realigning for me was surrendering. I've been talking to some of my friends and colleagues who I consider spiritual partners and mentors. I've been telling them how perplexed I am about this thing called "conviction" (more on that in another blog sometime down the road) & "surrender" and how scary it is to do it ALL the way. As I realize that I have an issue, then realign with God to see what He has to say about all this, I have to be willing to surrender it all and accept my new identity, and all the responsibility and freedom it affords. And for this Christian who is just learning how to walk in his grown up Christian shoes...it's turning out to be quite an adventure...!

There is a song by my buddies "Downhere" that I've been hearing for the last 3 years, but never really listened to until I heard it live a few weeks ago. I was in (and still am) the middle of this whole surrender thing and they played this song from their "Wide Eyed And Mystified" album. It's called Surrender. You can read the all the lyrics here. The lyrics that particularly touched me were in the bridge and I'll close this unjustly long blog with these words by this awesome band that describe my current view of "surrender".

I end where you begin
Lose it all to win
A constant realign
Beneath Your love divine
In this fall without a bottom
The deeper my surrender
The higher we will rise




Jeremiah 29:13 (God Speaking) - You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Psalm 139:1 (Me Speaking) - O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

Goodnight friends...time for bed.